A couple of years ago, I longed for a place of winter sun in Cape Verde. Taking into account the cost of the flights, the hotel and the new beach clothes, I calculated that I would need several thousand pounds to spend a fortnight in style.
At 51, I’m a successful woman earning a six-figure salary in my own wellness business, so I couldn’t resist the price. But my boyfriend. . . He knew he couldn’t afford to come unless I paid.
Ben and I had been dating for six months and we got along great. At the time, chemistry was all I thought about in a relationship. I never dreamed of judging a man’s suitability by looking at his bank balance. But I’m also not ashamed to have conversations about money, so I knew that Ben’s job in IT brought him a salary of £30,000.
For Ben, ten years my junior, work was a way to enjoy surfing on the weekends or summer camping vacations.
He had zero professional ambitions. I knew it would look weird if I went on vacation alone. But neither could she imagine anything more humiliating, for both of them, than paying for it. In the end, I just didn’t go.
Samantha Scott, 51 (pictured), says she even checks that a potential date works where he says it does.
It wasn’t the first time I changed my plans because he couldn’t keep up. If we were going out to eat with his family, I would choose a cheap and cheerful all-you-can-eat place instead of the proper restaurants that I love. For weekends away, I would look for the best value option, whereas I wanted comfort and a bathroom.
When we split up shortly thereafter, I had to be honest with myself: we hadn’t made it as a couple because the financial imbalance was too much.
It was sad, but that moment opened my eyes. I went through extreme poverty and built my successful business through strong grafts. But I never stopped to demand the same drive and inner fire in a man.
For too long, women have been told that it is impolite to talk about finances and that it is greedy to appear interested in what a man earns. A woman who asks about money is often assumed to be a gold digger, someone who wants to slip on the coattails of a much richer man, but to me, it’s the complete opposite.
These days, I would never date a man who earns less than me. . . and I passionately believe that no woman should.
In fact, I now routinely check a potential date’s social media accounts, then check that she works where she says she works by calling her office front desk and clarifying her position. If you are a business owner, I will confirm that is the case with Companies House. It sounds extreme but it saves trouble and anguish knowing that a man is solvent. I have been frank with my friends, most of whom are independently wealthy, and they have been very supportive. Some say they even took my advice.
I have warned my daughters, Ella, 22, and Yasmine, 18, that whoever they build a life with needs to have the same income and financial mindset as them, and I think they get my point. .
That may sound harsh or unfair, but it’s a philosophy I’ve developed from long and bitter experience.
She insists that for too long, women have been told that it’s rude to talk about finances and that it’s greedy to appear interested in what a man earns.
In the last five years, since I started my business, I have dated at least a dozen men who made less than half of what I made. And I’ve learned the hard way that being a sugar mummy is a thankless and deeply unsatisfying role. I have worked for every penny I have, and I no longer want to share it with anyone who doesn’t understand that.
I had a happy middle-class upbringing: my mother ran her own cleaning company, while my father was a chief technical engineer in the RAF. They both believed in hard work.
When I was 20 I graduated as a massage therapist, but I never made enough to make ends meet. At 29, I got pregnant with Ella and decided to go it alone.
He never threw away an item of clothing until it had three holes in it.
All I heard from my family was, ‘You’ve ruined your life.’ My disapproving great-aunt repeated these words to me so often that I was convinced that she would live in poverty for the rest of my days. Her voice is still burned into my psyche.
Two years later, he was in a new committed relationship and waiting for Yasmine. But while she was sure he was The One, it didn’t last long and I found myself a 33-year-old single mother of two with no prospects.
I desperately needed stability, but instead I kept chasing romantic dreams, dating men as poor as me. Who cares what he earns or how irresponsibly he behaves when you’re in love? I thought.
I lived for the day. Some months I made money, others not. I got by learning exactly how long different supermarkets took to process card payments. If I did it right, I could buy a large grocery store up to four days before I got paid, knowing the charge wouldn’t hit my empty account. until the next check arrived (hopefully).
But he was sick of living that way. So when I met successful people at networking events, I paid attention to their attitude towards money.
It was a revelation, especially when it came to the handful of wealthy men I dated after meeting them at these events.
In her past, Samantha says she desperately needed stability, but instead “kept chasing romantic dreams, dating men as poor as me.”
They enjoyed all the perks of wealth: designer clothes and cars that cost more than they would earn in five years. I would be taken to restaurants where people would kill for a table, and without even having to look at the menu, my date would order heavenly food for me. Some women might consider it condescending, but I adored it.
Now, you could say that this goes against my own philosophy: that no one should date a much poorer partner. And looking back, I agree that my insecurities probably would have sabotaged a long-term relationship with any of those men.
But all the time I was learning from them. I watched as they talked about wealth, as they saved and invested. And then I took a big risk to pay for a professional course, something I had always told myself was too expensive, but now saw as an investment in my future, then set up as a life coach five years ago.
I made £30,000 in the first year and my business has grown from there. Now I earn a comfortable six-figure salary. Still, it took me another three years to apply those lessons in my personal life. I kept chasing romantic dreams, no matter how much a man earned.
There were the downright stingy lovers, the worst of whom would measure out two cups of coffee with water to pour into the kettle, so he didn’t waste any more electricity than he needed.
He would follow me around his house turning off the lights, driving at a specific speed to get an extra mile out of his tank, even reusing tea bags. With her clothes, he had a rule that he never threw out an item until it had three holes in it.
You could call it thrifty, but try to live that way.
The businesswoman insists that she is not shy or ashamed of her methodology. Stock image used
Another would show up at my house empty-handed when he’d cooked dinner, not even contributing a bottle of wine.
Then there were those who went to the opposite extreme, spending recklessly because they just didn’t understand money. And then, inevitably, these men expected me to rescue them.
I ask pretty direct questions. If he doesn’t answer, he’s hiding something
The more brazen got used to organizing our dates around shopping expeditions. He would point to things and say, ‘I’ll get it once I get paid.’ One time it was a designer T-shirt, another time the latest iPhone.
It took me a while to realize that he was actually waiting for me to say, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll buy it for you.’
Needless to say, I didn’t. And once I figured out the pattern, the relationship didn’t last long.
Another ex used to come with me on trips to the grocery store and would casually leave their groceries in my cart assuming I would pay for them. That may sound like a small thing, but his arrogance amounted to treating me like an ATM.
I recently met him for a walk in the park and afterward we went for cake and coffee. He hadn’t changed, apologizing for forgetting his wallet.
Then there’s the emotional baggage of an insecure and needy partner. I made four times the salary of a man I dated. At first, he couldn’t understand why she was getting angry so quickly. But little by little, I realized that he just didn’t feel good enough for me.
Every time we had a disagreement, he would bring up the difference in our finances as if it were my fault: ‘I can’t support you financially,’ he would complain. I wasted hours trying to reassure him, reminding him that he valued his other qualities, like kindness.
But nothing I said could change the way he felt and I refused to participate in such guilt trips, so inevitably we parted ways.
For years, I blamed myself for my failures in love, telling myself that I was too ‘business-focused’. One man even told me he wasn’t fit for a relationship because he was too busy making money.
But after my breakup with Ben two years ago, I took a new approach.
In addition to doing my research, I ask pretty direct questions on a first date, including if a guy has any debt, what kind of house he lives in (and if he owns it), and if he doesn’t want to answer, well, I guess he’s hiding something. .
Most of the men are flabbergasted, most of them giggle, and the weirdo I really want to be with respects me for being so direct and answers honestly. You may have fewer relationships, but they are of much better quality.
I have realized that true love grows only when you are on the same page. Appearance and passion are not so important to me anymore.
This is not sexist, I’m sure it’s the same for rich men who date women who earn less.
Samantha is even careful who she lets into her friendship circles, as she says jealousy can “raise its head.” Stock image used
My love life has improved since I changed my focus.
These days, I’m even careful who I allow into my friendship groups. If they don’t make the same income as me, jealousy will always rear its head. Friends with different incomes really have no future.
Since I changed my focus two years ago, my love life has improved beyond belief. The man I dated most recently had his own business and makes about the same as me.
On our first date, he thought it was funny when I told him I’d seen him online. During our six months together, we went to high-end hotels and restaurants and spent time together that didn’t involve drooling on the couch watching Netflix.
It’s not just about dating rich men. But I do believe that a true partner should not resent his success or feel threatened by him.
I am not shy or ashamed to admit this. After all, a few generations ago, it was accepted that your life partner should have approximately the same social and economic position.
We have rejected that traditional approach and I think we are less happy as a result.
I am no longer intimidated by money. I’m not afraid to say that if you are the richest person in the room, then you should be in a different room. And the same goes for a romantic relationship.
Samantha Brick Interview
