I have had an on and off girlfriend for a little over two years. I love her tremendously, and she is beautiful. We get along really well and have a really great relationship, but we’re missing a spark, more than me I think, and we rarely have sex.
For me, that’s the only thing I want to fix and we’ve tried to work on it. Every time I try to talk to her about things I’d like, she seems to take it as a personal attack, which it isn’t. I’m just trying to tell him what I want.
Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want, and I think part of the sexual energy is the charm of not knowing, of what could happen.
She was raised in a very conservative home and hasn’t slept with many people; I think I have a lot more experience and maybe I would like more ‘experience’ in a lover.
Dear Jane, I am torn between two women. I have great sexual chemistry with one but I get along better with the other and I wish I could combine them both.
Once, when we were apart for a few months, I met someone else. We had great sexual chemistry and generally hit it off, but not as much as my girlfriend now.
I recently got a promotion and have to move out of state. My girlfriend changed her mind and she decided that she would not go with me because we are not married. He would happily propose to me, but I can’t without finding our sexual chemistry.
On the other hand, the ‘ex’ reached out and wants to try again and I’m keeping an open mind about it.
In a perfect world, I wish I could combine the two women and it would be perfect. I guess it’s a good problem and I’m very lucky, but it’s torture because I don’t want to lose my girlfriend, but I can’t keep her to myself if we’re not having sex.
The international best-selling author offers sage advice on the hottest topics for DailyMail.com readers in her weekly column Dear Jane, Dying Aunt
What advice do you have for me please? Any ideas?
From Wanting the Best of Both Worlds
Dear want the best of both worlds,
You can’t have it, I’m afraid.
While I don’t think great sex is an absolute prerequisite for a marriage, you both need to be on the same page, especially in the beginning. Our needs and wants change throughout a marriage, particularly for women nearing menopause, but knowing that you have different wants and needs while you’re still dating, and being unhappy because you rarely have sex, is a terrible foundation. for a marriage.
I don’t think any of these women are right for you, and I would take some time to think about why you feel the need to commit yourself at this particular time.
You have a lot to do, change jobs and move to another state, which is where your focus and energy need to be.
I would also be very wary of any kind of ultimatum; The fact that your girlfriend isn’t going to move in with you unless you put your mind to it seems like the worst kind of ultimatum. If and when you propose to someone, it should be because you’ve found a partner who knows you not on all levels, but certainly on the levels that are important to you, one of which is clearly sex.
Whether it’s your girlfriend’s low sex drive or it’s the particular dynamic with you, take my word for it: it’s not going to change.
As for the ex, she needs to remain ex. Great sex with the wrong person is just that: great sex with the wrong person. And the wrong person will never miraculously become the right wife.
Take some time to enjoy being single and explore exactly what you like when it comes to sex. Be comfortable with that, and comfortable with sharing those needs and desires with whoever you’re having sex with.
I would put all serious relationships on the back burner at least until you’re settled, and honestly until you’ve planted a little more oats and feel more comfortable with who you are in the bedroom.
I think my husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for four years and have always enjoyed drinks together…we both love going out for cocktails once in a while and relaxing with a bottle of wine or a martini in the evenings but recently I started to notice that he drinks more than double what he was six months ago.
I’ve always been used to him staying in control on a night out, but in recent months he’s gotten sloppy and frankly a bit embarrassing. My husband works from home, and quite often when I come home from a day at the office, a bottle of wine has already been finished.
I don’t want to turn a mountain into a mole, but I’m starting to get really worried and I’m not sure how to tell him that without sounding like he’s causing a scene for no reason. Even now I’m worried, I seem totally crazy and hysterical… Can you help me?
From, Scrambled and Scrambled
Dear Shaken and Stirred,
First, according to a new study published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in collaboration with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), nine out of ten adults who drink too much alcohol are not alcoholics.
In fact, the only person who can really decide whether or not you are an alcoholic is the person who is drinking too much.
Dear Jane Sunday Service
What a hard lesson it is to learn that we cannot control other people no matter how hard we try.
Because we are all human, fallible, we do the best we can, and too often we don’t realize the many ways we hurt those we love, not by intention, but by our own harm, because we can’t help ourselves. . because we are in the grip of something else or we just don’t know any better.
For those who are hurt, we always have a choice, not to leave or to stay, but to learn or not to take care of ourselves despite the madness that surrounds us.
I am a big advocate of the wisdom found in twelve step programs. And a big advocate of taking care of ourselves first.
And part of the problem with those we love doing too much of what is not good for them is not so much how they behave, but how it affects us, the people who wish they would stop. The fact that you are writing, that you are worried about being crazy and hysterical, suggests to me that an intervention is needed.
Of course, the right thing to do is to talk to him first, calmly and when he’s not drinking. But although we want to think that if they loved us and saw how much they hurt us they would stop doing it, it is not so with addicts and alcoholics.
If they could stop, they would, but they are trapped by something over which they have no power. Morning promises to stop drinking will dissolve by cocktail hour, leaving partners furious, hurt, and convinced that if they stopped drinking, everything would be fine.
This sounds counterintuitive, but the best advice I can give you is to take the focus off your drinking and focus on your own happiness by attending an Al-Anon meeting.
Al-Anon is ostensibly for friends and family of alcoholics, but in reality, it is for anyone who allows someone else’s behavior to affect them disproportionately.
You will find the room full of people who have learned to live and let live, who recognize that they are powerless over people, places and things, who realize that the only person they can control is themselves. One of the hardest lessons is detachment, recognizing that we each have our own path, and that no matter how much you flatter, plead, threaten or yell. If you are an alcoholic, you will not be able to stop drinking on your own.
You’re also not likely to go into a 12-step program until you’re ready, and sadly, that’s often when things hit rock bottom.
Regardless of how your marriage ends, you probably already know that monitoring your drinking, counting the bottles of wine in the trash, feeling your entire body tense up as you become more and more sloppy, is no way to live. Al‑Anon will provide him not only with support and great wisdom, but also with tools and traditions that will enable him to find peace, whether or not he continues to drink.
I send you a big hug.