As a mom, these are the 5 skills I wish my son would be taught in school, from wiping his butt to blowing his nose.

  • As a mom, I realized that my 5-year-old son is learning a lot of advanced things.
  • However, I still help blow my nose and wipe my butt.
  • I wish schools could help me teach my kids how to get better at everyday things.

The other day, my 5-year-old son started describing things as horizontal and vertical. He seemed advanced, since he can’t blow his nose. I started to think about school curricula. Yes, math and reading are useful skillsbut let’s be honest: Alexa and Siri have those things covered.

While school boards and administrators seem only concerned with test scores, parents and teachers are more interested in kids who can wipe their butts. I propose a curriculum that will teach our children useful life skills,

blow nose

There are few sounds more annoying than a sniffle every 30 seconds. And nothing is more visually distressing than the sight of snot trains going into your child’s mouth, especially when he doesn’t have a Kleenex nearby.

Before motherhood, I did not realize blow nose it was such a complex skill. But after trying to teach my son how to do it with visual examples (see how mom can smack out a week’s worth of boogers), verbal instructions (blow!), a helping hand (“let me hold the Kleenex while you blowing”) and reverse psychology (“whatever you do, don’t blow your nose!”), I’m here to report that nothing ever works.

wipe your butt

While you can potty train your child over the weekend, there’s no way he can clean himself independently. Have you seen that video of the preschool teacher teaching kids to wipe their butts with two balloons taped to the back of their chairs? Yes, I have seen it too.

Everyone praises the genius of that video, but I disagree. Your butt is connected to your body. In the video, all the preschoolers have to turn their bodies in order to reach the butts of their balloons.

Like blowing your nose, wiping your butt is a complex skill that requires dexterity and the ability to assess whether all the poop has been wiped away. Perhaps the T-rex arms of young children are an impediment. I guess this might be beyond your abilities.

holding their own things

Kids today need to learn to take their own shit.

Every day my son brings a bunch of things to the car with her. But every time we come home, she is physically unable to carry everything. He or she will ask if we can take her toy, but every time we get to where we are going, she asks me to hold her toy.

Using the refrigerator water dispenser without flooding the house

Does anyone else’s house have ice cube puddles where the ice machine spits out errant cubes?

I propose a curriculum that includes skills like watching how much water is in the glass instead of using the “wait until the water starts to overflow” technique, making sure there is a glass under the dispenser before pressing the button, picking up ice cubes escaping rather than melting in little puddles around the kitchen floor, and how to stop pressing the water button when a cup overflows.

Use a voice that doesn’t complain

I advise schools to hire a full-time voice coach to address the latest national health crisis: the whining voice. Children will learn to speak in a pleasant tone that does not irritate the eardrums of adults.

I think my son’s voice is permanently stuck in the whining environment, particularly when he says my name. “Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?”

“Mamimmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy about how


Speaking in a normal tone is a skill that will benefit our children for a lifetime and protect the sanity of adults.

I encourage you to attend your next school PTA meeting to share these ideas. Maybe one day we can stop wiping snot on our jeans or chasing a half-dressed kid around the house to wipe our butts one last time.

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